Old Habits

I woke up next to T this morning, and found myself wrought with an inexplicable fear. The first thought to cross my mind (after “Turn off that damned alarm clock”) was “Does she love me”, not the most intelligent question to ask of a woman pregnant with your child. Still, that’s where my mind drifted, and I got scared to death. See, a few years ago, I noticed about myself that, even with the best of intentions, I’m reknown for unconcious sabotage of almost any relationship in which I’ve been involved. Now I find myself scared to death, because I’m thinking that I’m seeing the starting signs of self-collapse. Self-doubt. I wonder, “do I deserve to be happy in a relationship”, “am I good enough for her”, “can I truly make her happy”, and other thoughts on those lines. I’m far from a coward, but so much shit has gone wrong in past relationships, quite a bit of it of my causing, that I think subconciously I’m just waiting for something to go horribly wrong so that this relationship can be dysfunctional like all of my other ones. Am I psychologically programmed to want a fucked up life?


One thought on “Old Habits

  1. experience has been that people who exhibit that ‘kill it before it kills you’ mantra often take the worst case scenario and form a barrier around themselves. the only problem is that when they get older and reflect on the matter, they’re often remorseful and alone, which is not a good combination.

    the plan of action is, in my experience, to attempt to stifle the sabotage and reach out to the one you’re with now and state your fears. more often than not, it will strengthen your relationship, and because of your truthfulness, she’ll have your back.

    *I did just that, and found that she felt the same way. I suppose we were both of the mentality that neither of us merited a worthwhile relationship, so we should just do whatever made the other person happiest, since being with each other couldn’t POSSIBLY be the solution. Made both of us feel better, since it showed a “growing into each other” thing.

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