Why can’t I live in Victory?

I guess this can serve the purpose of a true journal.  I’m so pissed off right now, though not at anyone in particular.  Why would Trish come to the edge of ordering me to come back over after I leave.  I set my mind to the purpose of going, of being gone.  I’m tired of getting kicked out, of being accused of wrongdoing. 

I’ll be honest, I probably have done more harm than good in the course of this relationship.  I cheated in the past.  Hell, sometimes I cheated and didn’t know I cheated.  But still, I get tired of this yo-yo game she plays, where she gets all pissed off and orders me gone, then changes her mind and acts like nothing happened a few days later.  But of course, knowing that she does that, I just go straight to the end result.  No dice.  So now what?  She’s the one that stuffed all my clothes in a trash bag, and dumped them in my mom’s driveway.  She’s the one that called leaving messages demanding her keys and garage door opener back… and now she’s demanding that I come back and spend the night.  Rahshawn was right, she’s psychotic.  It just doesn’t make sense, unless it’s a game to her.  A little mind-fuck for her to get what she wants.  <sarcasm>Just what I want my daughter to learn.</sarcasm>.

I guess the real question is, /”What am I going to do?/”  I really don’t want to go, but then I question most of my motives for not wanting to go.  Primary on the top of the list is the desire to have her stew in her own juices… to lie in the bed she made.  But that’s vindictive, and definitely not a native ‘me’ quality.  Even moreso, it’s not a quality I want to pick up.  I’ve already picked up my share of bad habits from her… addiction, bitterness, suspicion, why add another to the list.  Couple that with the fact that I really do want to be submitted to the will of God, and I know that it’s not the best that God has for me to go over there.  But she’s very inclined to be a rank and file ‘bitch’ about it.

Why am I so weak?  When did I become so weak, since it’s not natural?  I mean, if Nikki is surprised that a chick has me all broken now, what does God think?  Hell, why do I want to go?  I hate being confused.  Maybe tonight…  I don’t know anymore.  I need to stay in the Word and pray more.  I fail, and I know it’s a prayer failure.


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