Addiction

Boy am I glad I’m writing this to my offline blog…

 How do you know you have a porn addiction problem?  When you find yourself watching porn, and you find yourself remeneicing over porn you deleted, thinking about how the deleted porn was better.  I’ve deleted and thrown out OBSCENE amounts of porn in the 17 years since I got hooked on it.  Video tapes, dvd’s, and unreasonable amounts of downloaded porn.  Rented, bought, bootleg… Porn has held such a sickening presence in my active memory.  Now, even I, the one watching this stuff know that this is getting out of control, out of hand (no pun intended.)  I found one scene that I deleted come back to my mind, and considered going to that website to look for that link again… KNOWING that it’s not there.  I caught myself thinking of a videotape I think I stole from one of my friend’s brother’s house.  And the fact that I’ve gone to a particular website looking for a download of something on that site that I had at one point, only to have deleted it by this point.  Why delete?  Because I really do want to be free of this monkey on my back.  I’ve tried to leave it alone so many times.  I can’t say crap to Trish about her smoking, considering I know what a TRUE addiction is.  I’ve quit watching over and over again…  Somehow being lured back into it.

Somehow, I’ve allowed myself to think that I’ve lost something in the past attempts I’ve commited to give it up.  Even now, thinking about that one scene that I thought was the ‘best’, I think that I lost something by giving it up.  That if I delete what I have now, that I’ll have lost something of value… something that I seem to want to dedicate to my memory.  It’s like I can’t find a way to reprogram my thinking about it.  Even in my general disgust of the whole affair, I still have some odd allure to it.  I can’t explain what it is, what draws me to it, because then I’d know how to focus my ‘changing my mind’.  If I knew how I was so brainwashed into wanting it, I’d know how to brainwash myself to get out of it.�

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