what once was

what once was

It’s often irritating to find God to be right when you don’t want him to be. When you’ve been wronged, and your initial instinct is to strike back, but He says to Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, your first reaction is “That’s a load of B.S.” Hell, why impersonalize it… that’s exactly what I thought. I tried to lie to myself and SAY that I was being forgiving, but to be honest with you, for the last 8 months now, I really wanted Trish to hurt as much as I’ve hurt. From my perspective, I’m the victim here. Having done nothing to merit this, I’ve had everything I’d counted on, everything I cared about stripped away from me. My home, my family, my planned future… there when I leave for work, gone when I come home.

So it seems strange that this week, in deciding that harboring the rage and frustration I felt, instead of ‘playing nice’, BEING nice, we’ve actually had a good week. We were able to talk, a little. We were able to share some semblance of a rapport. I was honest, I told her how I REALLY felt about her, not how I characterized myself as feeling.  I let her know I still loved her.  That’s the thing… we actually TALKED.  For, like, the first time in YEARS.  It was actually kind of nice, if it weren’t for the situation that brought us to that point.

I miss her.  I miss them.  I miss that life.  I’m not going to pretend I didn’t have my part in what brought this to be.  I may not have done what I was accused of doing, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t drive her away.  I hate that I’m a family man without a family.  I hate that I’m a parent without his children.  I hate that the life I had envisioned is gone up in smoke.  But I still love them all.


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